Did you ever watch an episode of Law & Order SVU and think it was so awful that you can’t quite put into words what was wrong with it? This was one of those episodes. I am literally at a loss for words. I simply did not enjoy it.
Law & Order SVU “Funny Valentine” was heavily promoted by entertainment media as being “ripped from the headlines” and inspired by the Chris Brown assault on Rihanna in 2009. (While NBC never officially billed it as such, NBC's advance press release on the episode contained strong hints.) Maybe because I was already bored long ago by the real story, the SVU version held no interest for me. The episode was predictable, the dialog was dull the acting was flat for the most part. There was no suspense or drama for me. The only plus side was the presence of Raúl Esparza as ADA Rafael Barba. His expressions and emotions always seem genuine; I was expecting his head to really explode during the grand jury scene. Despite the other enjoyable scene with Barba and Benson as he recounts a love of his from the 11th grade, even he couldn’t save this episode for me.
Here is the recap:
Cast:
Mariska Hargitay – Detective Olivia Benson
Ice-T – Detective Odafin “Fin” Tutuola
Richard Belzer – Sergeant John Munch
Dann Florek – Captain Don Cragen
Kelli Giddish - Detective Amanda Rollins
Danny Pino - Detective Nick Amaro
Guest stars:
Raúl Esparza - ADA Rafael Barba
Tiffany Robinson - Micha Green
Roca - Caleb Bryant
Charles Malik Whitfield - Brass
Dave Navarro - Ferarri
Socorro Santiago – Judge Ortiz
Saul Rubinek – Mr. Price
Jeffrey Tambor - Counselor Ben Cohn
LaNeah “Starshell” Menzies – Joi
Lisa Tharps - Clara
Karen Tsen Lee – DNA Tech Susan Chung
Gamzee Ceylan – Jen Blanken
Wendy Williams – as herself
Perez Hilton – as himself
Sue Simmons - herself
Madison Elizabeth Zamor – Micha Green (age 9)
Joseph Halsey – Uni #1
Tara Moncure – Young Woman
A video of Micha Green singing, as a child, cuts to a present day recording session with Micha as an adult, signing with Caleb Bryant. They kiss as they finish the recording, with their manager Mr. Price complementing the take. Afterwards, over drinks, Price yells to stop Micha and Caleb from kissing, telling them to save a little of that for the video. He also tells Micha she has a great body and to see more of it. Caleb pulls down the shoulder of her shirt. She says that whatever sell, but they would not be here without Brass, and she thanks him. He hugs her and thanks her, and then reminds the others he told them to put their money on this girl.
Later, Caleb flirts with Joi and Micha walks in on them, complaining that she can’t leave Caleb alone for 5 minutes without him getting trashy. She refers to Joi as a beef cookie. The others laugh and as Joi walks off, Caleb testily asks what Micha just said. Micha says she was just joking, but Caleb pushes her forehead and then pushes her to the floor, asking how funny is this? He then picks her up by the hair and as the others watch and do nothing, he pulls her head into his crotch. She picks up her head and hits him with it. He calls her a skinny ass whore, and then lifts his fist to her.
Later, in a private hospital room as DNA Tech Susan Chung snaps pictures of a battered Micha, Benson and Amaro stand by. The CSU tech tells them she swabbed Micha’s cuts for DNA. Benson asks Micha who did this to her, and Micha said he did not mean to do it. Benson asks if she means her boyfriend, and Micha does not answer. Benson says Micha will need to tell them his name, and she names Caleb Bryant.
Elsewhere, Caleb Bryant and Joi get out of a limo to fans and photographers waiting at the entrance to a nightclub.
Back at the hospital, Amaro speaks with Brass who said he did not see what happened but guesses it was Caleb. Brass is not Caleb’s producer anymore, he works with Micha. He discovered her when she was 9 and is like a daughter to him. He states that Micha and Caleb’s relationship is complicated, but Amaro counters that it isn’t.
Meanwhile, Micha tells Benson that Caleb threw her down and pushed his face into his crotch. She tried to get away and her head hit his lip and that is when off. Benson said he beat her and choked her and asks who else was in the room. Micha tells her the engineer and backup girls. Benson comments that this went on for a while, and Micha says when Caleb goes off…and Benson replies she can see that.
Back at the nightclub, Amaro and Fin catch up with Caleb. When Caleb moves to take a photo of them to tweet it to his fans, Fin slaps the phone down and asks to see Caleb's hands. They see marks and Amaro asks if Caleb has been into something. Caleb says he was holding back an overenthusiastic fan. As Amaro cuffs him, Fin says they are going to take him somewhere where he won’t have to worry about the fans. When Amaro says he is under arrest Caleb says they are making a big mistake. He tells someone to “call his Jew.”
Later. At SVU, Counselor Ben Cohn complains to Rollins that they took Caleb’s clothes and that is harassment. Fin says they are evidence. Cohn says the jacket alone is $5K and he hopes everything has been properly vouchered. Rollins replies down to the last bloodstain. Cohn comments that he trusts they haven’t questioned Caleb in his absence, and Fin replies that Caleb knows better than that. When Cohn asks to see their captain, Rollins explains that he is out and that Sgt. Munch is covering.
In the holding area, DNA Tech Susan Chung photographs Caleb’s injuries and he asks the CSU photographer if she wants to see his other kind of pictures. Amaro calls him Romeo and then says nobody is interested.
In the interview room, Cohn tells Munch that if they are smart they would save themselves a lot of embarrassment. Munch asks what Cohn suggests they do, and he replies that the cops see a big fish of African-American persuasion and they salivate to bring him down. He asks how many rush investigations has he seen – corners cut, conclusions jumped to – and everything gets in a big pile of ashes and then apologies, lawsuits. Munch calmly says it has happened. Cohn says they don’t want it to happen to them as Caleb is a big superstar and he has substantial resources, a stellar reputation, and he is loved in the city. He asks if the NYPD can say the same? Munch glares at him and says nothing.
Afterward, Cohn storms out of the room, slams the door, and announces that he wants to see his client. Amaro asks if that was the one that kept asking for his Jew – and then points in the direction where Caleb is being held. Munch walks out of the room and Fin notices Munch is smiling, asking if Munch and Cohn bonded in there. Munch sarcastically says that Cohn is a concerned citizen who wants to make sure the department doesn’t embarrass itself. Rollins says he is hoping his client doesn’t embarrass himself, then shows the others a video of Perez Hilton talking about how Caleb boosts his gansta cred by getting arrested. Munch cracks that they should go on a double date with Chris Brown and Rihanna. Fin says it is too bad there were no paparazzi in the recording studio, and Munch asks if there were any witnesses to the attack. Amaro informs him there were at least 3, according to Micha. Rollins thinks they need to get to them before Caleb’s people do, and Munch advises while they are at it to make sure that Caleb’s people don’t get to Micha either.
At Rise Up Health Food, Fin speaks to a witness who is reluctant to say anything but does say Micha should not have dissed Caleb as guys like Caleb need to get their own way. She walks off.
Elsewhere, Joi, getting her nails done, tells Amaro that she did not see anything, saying she must have been in the ladies room when it happened. She says if you roll with Caleb your look as to be tight. Amaro asks if she wants to be Caleb’s next, and she says she knows when to keep her mouth open and when to keep it shut.
Rollins speaks with the sound mixing engineer - Mr. Ferarri - who says the punch was more like a slap. When Rollins explains the differing with an open or closed hand, he says Caleb punched her. When he says he saw Caleb choker her for a hot second, Rollins asks if there is some sort of three second rule, but he explains he meant it was real quick. Rollins asks if it was too quick for him to help out and watch her get beat, showing him the photo of the battered Micha. He sighs and says nothing.
At the Hudson Square Hotel, Benson and ADA Barba arrive to question Mr. Price, who says Micha is resting. When Price says Micha will issue a statement through her publicist, Barba replies that it can’t wait and they need to speak to her. Price agrees to do it and as he walks in the direction of Micha’s room, Benson stops right in front of him and tells him to wait there and then she thanks him.
In her room, Micha is watching a video of the arrest as Benson and Barba walk in. Micha asks if they had to do this to Caleb and Benson says he did this to himself and to her. Micha counters not according to her Twitter feed, adding they are either calling her a whore or begging her to forgive him. Benson suggests whoever did that she should block them immediately, what Caleb did is despicable. Benson introduces Barba, who says that he will be handling the prosecution. She asks if this is necessary, and he says unless he pleads guilty, this is going to trial. When she asks if she has to testify in public, Barba haltingly says that may happen, and he glances to Benson. Benson adds that they will be with her every step of the way, saying it would be good if she had other support, like family, that she can call. Micha says her sister, her mother and her boyfriend, but if they come up there she will have to take care of all of them. Benson suggests Brass, saying that he is Micha’s mentor. Micha says if she needs someone to say he told her so. Micha says she has been on her own a long time, but Benson says looking like this, and then points to the video on the screen adding for Micha to look at Caleb, acting like nothing ever happened. Micha’s face gets angry and she tells Benson that Caleb thinks he can do this to her and get away with it, it is not happening.
At arraignment court, Judge Ortiz asks for quiet or she will clear the courtroom. Benson and Amaro watch from the back of the room. As the courtroom quiets, the judge says Caleb is being charged with attempted sexual abuse in the first degree, assault in the second degree, and strangulation in the first degree, calling it a nice trifecta. Caleb’s attorney Ben Cohn enters the plea of not guilty, saying these were two passionate people whose private moment was wildly mischaracterized. The judge tells him to save it for trial and asks ADA Barba for his comments on bail. Barba says the defendant has massive resources and a propensity for violence, he is requesting remand. Cohn argues that Caleb has a sold out concert next week at Barclay Center and he is not going to disappoint his fans. The judge says she hopes not, and sets bail at $500K. Barba also requests a temporary order of protection as Caleb represents an ongoing threat to the victim, particularly as he has shown no remorse. Cohn says they are talking about two people who are very much in love, and as Amaro and Benson smirk cynically from the gallery, the judge replies that love hurts and then adds that Caleb is ordered to stay 1,000 yards away from Micha Green. The judge bangs her gavel to end the proceeding.
